You'd Think This Were a Tumble Blog V

"His excellent common sense, however, soon asserted itself, and his sound, practical mind did not leave him long in doubt about what to do. Poison having proved a complete failure, dynamite, or some other form of explosive, was obviously the proper thing to try."

--Oscar Wilde, "Lord Arthur Savile's Crime"

I am Master

I have been a little tired as of late. After church and dinner, I came back and crashed on my bed for a few moments. It was like catching my breath. I realize that I have so very far from where I was two years ago. However, I still have a very long way to go in accomplishing my goals.

But I'm figuring out how to play this game. I might be a late bloomer, but I'm figuring it out.

It puts me in mind of William Ernest Henley's last couplet of "Invictus":

"I am the master of my fate,

I am the captain of my soul."

You'd Think This Were a Tumble Blog IV

"But in reading great literature I become a thousand men and yet remain myself. Like the night sky in the Greek poem, I see with a myriad eyes, but it is still I who see. Here, as in worship, in love, in moral action, and in knowing, I transcend myself; and am never more myself than when I do." -- C.S. Lewis


It may not be finals, but it is internship-searching time. The levels of pain both of these processes induce is comparable.

You'd Think This Were a Tumble Blog III

"What we are losing, ever seems to us the most precious." - Matthew Lewis, The Monk

This is a truth. This expresses much of what I felt the last month or so I was in Scotland.

The Nature of Evil

"The members of the congregation belonged to the Ibo tribe, and the traditional religion o the Ibo, like that of the majority of African communities, does not know the concept of sin. The African belief system has a radically different understanding of guilt from that espoused by Christian theology. In Africa, the notion of metaphysical, abstract evil - evil in and of itself - does not exist. A deed first becomes evil when it is discovered, and, second, when the community or the individual declares it to be evil. Moreover, the criterion here is not axiomatic, but practical, concrete: that which does harm to others is evil. Evil intentions do not exist, because evil is not evil until it materializes, assumes an active form. There are only evil actions." - Ryszard Kapuscinski, The Shadow of the Sun


I really like the idea that "that which does harm to others is evil." That is a truth, I feel. I align himself along with the Christian belief that evil does exist in an external form, that we can think evil thoughts (for is not thinking an action?), but that we are not evil simply by breathing, existing. In my belief system, Christ overcomes all else, if we allow him to.

Living Betterly

"I have so much, so much around me that is good. Not everything; I still want more, I probably want more than I could handle; in fact I probably want things that would only make me unhappy if I had the. But even that's okay; that's till part of the contentment.

"If my life was a film, he thought, I'd roll the credits now; fade on this beatific smile in an empty room, the man on a ladder making things better, renovating, improving. Cut. Print. The End.

"Well, he told himself, it isn't a film, laddie. He was filled with a surge of pure joy, simple delight at being where and who he was and knowing the people he did. He threw the paint brush into one corner of the room, jumped off the ladder, and ran through to Andrea." -- Iain Banks, The Bridge.

When I first arrived at home after my sojourn abroad, I felt that life was perfect. My life still feels pretty perfect, and I am quite content (searching for internships is putting a damper on my contentment levels, though), and I thought Iain Banks expressed the idea adequately. Not perfectly; that's something that I'll reserve for myself when I've had enough time away from Mr. Banks' ideas.

P.S. Yes, Jeffershon, I took the conceit for the title from one of your friends. I thought it was pretty brilliant, and brilliant things need to be spread.

You'd Think This Were a Tumble Blog II

I am in the midst of writing an exam essay, and I thought about putting this as the concluding paragraph and remarks. However, I felt it had a bit more potential than to be consigned to the end of a paper and then lost to oblivion. So I tweaked it a little bit, turning it into more of a creative-writing piece. This is a significant moment for me; I have forged a link between criticism and creativity. I have proved to myself that such a feat can be done, even if not well. I will wrise again.

‘The power of the city lies in the fact that it disconcerts you. You can try to master it, and for a time, you might succeed. Although you should never, ever forget that it has the ultimate control. Its an ever-shifting, ever-moving buzz. Oh, laddie, it is not safe at all. The only safety it affords is the anonymity, of getting lost in the crowds. The city is the important thing, the powerful thing. And you are living in a postmodern city. Postmodernism means refuting Lyotard’s ‘grand narrative’ theory, it means disruption and change and being unanchored. Cutting yourself off. From agriculture, from family, from friends – even though we play with a superimposed structure on our friends via the city, these little closes and alleys running into each other, like a game of cat-and-mouse. Only, you don't know that you're not the cat, or even the mouse. It means confusion, it means Edinburgh.’

Quotes From the Throes of Finals III

Why are these all from Trainspotting? I didn’t even like the book much. The second quote I posted was one of the few redeeming statements from the book. I enclosed this following paragraph because I think it is funny to see it in print; it’s like a scrawl from childhood. I disagree with the statements; drugs have the potential to give you a synthesized experience of life. We're meant to experience things a certain way - why let it be mediated? Certainly, there are proponents who say that such activities enhance the quality and experience of life, but as with many things in life, I reserve my judgment but also my skepticism.

‘Whin yir oan junk, aw ye worry aboot is scorin. Oaf the gear, ye worry aboot loads ay things. Nae money, cannae git pished. Goat money, drinkin too much. Cannae git a burd, ane chance ay a ride. Git a burd, too much hassle, cannae breathe without her gittin oan yir case. Either that, or ye blow it, and feel aw guilty. Ye worry aboot bills, food, bailiffs, these Jambo Nazi scum beatin us, aw the things that he couldnae gie a fuck aboot whin yuv goat a real junk habit. Uv just goat one thing tae worry aboot. The simplicity ay it aw. Ken whit ah mean?’ – Irvine Welsh, Trainspotting

Quotes From the Throes of Finals II

'That night, back at my flat, I heard the buzzer go. Assuming it to be Donna, who had been out, I opened the stair and house doors. A few minutes later, my auld man stood in the doorway with tears in his eyes. It was the first time he'd ever been to my flat. He moved over to me and held me in a crushing grip, sobbing, and repeating - Ma laddie. It felt a world or two better than: "Well, there's nothing tae say."

‘I cried loudly and unselfconsciously. As with Donna, so with my family. We have found an intimacy which may have otherwise elduded us. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to become a human being. Better late than never, though, believe you me.

‘There’s some kids playing out in the back, the strip of grass laminated an electric green by the brilliant sunlight. The sky is a delicious clear blue. Life is beautiful. I’m going to enjoy it, and I’m going to have a long life. I’ll be what the medical staff call a long-term survivor. I just know that I will.’ – Irvine Welsh, Trainspotting

Quotes From the Throes of Finals I

‘Ah hate it the wey Mark’s intae hurtin animals… it’s wrong man. Ye cannae love yirsel if ye want tae hurt things like that… ah mean… what hope is thir. The squirrel’s likes lovely. He’s dain his ain thing. He’s free. That’s mibbe what Rents cannae stand. The squirrel’s free, man.’ –Irvine Welsh, Trainspotting

From "Set in Darkness"

"'I'm serious. We all come from darkness, you have to remember that, and we sleep during the night to escape the fact. I'll bet you have trouble sleeping at night, don't you?' He didn't say anything. Her face grew less animated. 'We'll all return to darkness one day, when the sun burns out.' A sudden smile lit her eyes. '"Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light."'
"'A poem?' he guessed.
"She nodded. 'I forget the rest.'"

-Ian Rankin, Set in Darkness


Next post will, I hope, be something special. Also, happy birthday to Aniue-san (J-Chan)! 

Absolutely Beautiful

Posting again within a span of twelve hours - it's despicable. Oh well. This is a rather scattered post, going in so many directions at once without fully articulating what I'm feeling. But the feeling is there, whether or not any possible readers understand it, and perhaps a great all-seeing eyeball is around, too.


I find that these song lyrics from "Ajab Si" by Vishal are absolutely beautiful, included in the hilarious and delightful - hilightful - Bollywood film, "Om Shanti Om":

Ankhon mein teri ajab si ajab si adaayen hain
There’s something special in your eyes

Dil ko banade jo patang saansein yeh teri woh hawaein hain
Your breath is the wind that makes my heart soar like a kite

Tere saath saath aisa koi noor aaya hai
The light emanating from you

Chand teri roshni ka halka sa ek saaya hai
Makes even the moonlight but a pale shadow compared to you

Teri nazron ne dil ka kiya jo hashar, asar yeh hua
Your eyes created such a tumult in my heart that…

Ab inme hi doob ke ho jaoon paar, yahi hai dua
All I wish for now is to drown in them


That's what I want: for my life to be beautiful. I can only give a few words and images that can only signify the changes that one thing can inspire in my life. I cannot describe what it was like to hear Telemann's "Don Quixote - Les soupirs amoureux apres la princesse Dulcinee" or Vivaldi's first "Concerto for Two Cellos in G Minor: Allegro" for the first time, or to see Mino's "Yoro Waterfall." I have started to collect quotes that stand out to me, and I write them on a sheet of paper posted on my dorm room wall. They, too, add to the patchwork beauty of my life.

"Within Joshu's cup of tea, the mermaids are dancing." - D.T. Suzuki

"Really, all we're doing here is telling legitimate lies." -Professor Liu

Photo credit: Clive Barker
I want a geshrat to be my friend.

I've been spending too much time perusing icanhascheezburger.com, but I've stopped caring. The kittens can has my soul. It's probably a subconscious, masochistic, therapeutic response to the loss of my own dear kitteh Meike over the last semester. She may be gone from our home for the duration, but never from our hearts. And if God has a back porch, I hope she's taking a nap on it right now with Jessi's kitty, without any magpies to bother her, passing her time amiably until I can hold her in my arms again.


"Dance with me into the ocean
Roll with me into the sea
Don’t tell me the world is in trouble
Do you want to dance with me?"
-"Dance With Me" Old 97s

"Love is a dress that you made
long to hide your knees
love to say this to your face,
"I'll love you only"
for your days and excitement,
what will you keep for to wear?
someday drawing you different,
may I be weaved in your hair?"
"Love and Some Verses" - Iron and Wine

"Someday we'll find it - the rainbow connection" - Kermit the Frog